First of all – a Happy belated Christmas to all.

Second of all – what the hell was everyone doing at the store on Christmas Eve?  Don’t you people have cookies to bake or presents to wrap, or, I don’t know, family to spend time with?

I had a constant stream of customers returning stuff on Christmas Eve.  And I’m baffled, I’m honestly baffled.  I can understand the last minute Christmas shopping, but the last minute returns?  I know that people were trying to beat the post-Christmas rush, but really?  Christmas Eve?  You had nothing better to do?  I mean, I know that I sure as hell did.  Besides spending time with my family, I know that more sleep would have been appreciated in my life.

Anyway, on to what I really wanted to talk about today: The different kinds of customers that come to customer service.

About 93% of the people that visit customer service fall in to one of two categories: Normal and RU4SRN.

Normal people make up about 93% of that 93% and are self-explanatory: these are the people that bought two different sized shirts and want to return one, or their DVD was broken so they wanted another one, or the color drapes that they purchased didn’t match their couch.  These people are wonderful, pleasant, even.  99 times out of 100 they have their receipt, and they are just looking for a quick and easy return.

And I am happy to give that to them.  They are nice, they are efficient, and they thank you at the end of the return.  I live for these people.  When you can make somebody’s day just by processing a simple return, you feel good, you really do.

And then there are the other 7%; the RU4SRN, short for Are You For Sers Right Now?  They are called that because every fiber of my being aches to ask these people that very question: “Are you for sers right now?”  These people, unfortunately, are the bane of the customer service employee’s existence.  Now, right off the bat, I must state that I realize that this is my job and this is what I am getting paid for, but there are times when minimum wage just doesn’t cut it for the crap you have to argue with.  Honestly, most of the time it feels like you’re either being Punk’d or being tested on the return policy.

Within the RU4SRNs, there are three subcategories: the non-unpackers, the mundane, and the straight up delusional.

The least of the three evils is definitely the non-unpackers.  The non-unpackers are really exactly what they are: the people that waltz in the door with about three huge bags of merchandise, plop them on the counter, and then look at you, expecting you to not only read their mind, but pull everything out of the bag for them.  Now look.  Believe it or not, I want your return to be quick and painless, too.  I really don’t want you to spend 5+ minutes at my desk for a return.  You want it to be under a minute, and so do I.

But not the non-unpackers, apparently.  For this return, they act as if they have all the time in the world.  They’re on their phone, they’re riffling through their purse, they’re doing every single thing in the world except for unpacking the contents of their bags.  And you know, once you have about, oh, three of these people, you want to scream.

It gets worse when the non-unpackers get impatient with you because you aren’t unpacking fast enough.  Well, pardon me, but I have to pull up your receipt, pull out all twenty-three items in your bag, and then return them.  This is a lengthy process, and if you don’t want to help, don’t tap your foot at me.  It has been absolutely proven that if the customer unpacks their own a bag, their return time is cut by a third, if not a half.

Now, while I said that this is least of the three evils, it definitely wears on the customer service employee.  We get fatigued, we get frustrated, and thus, we are more likely to get snippy with the non-unpacker.  This, in return, will make you snippy.

Non-unpackers, are you for sers right now?

Next are the mundane.  Of the RU4SRNs, they are the majority.  These people I cannot understand.  Ever.  As their name suggests, they come to me with legitimately the most mundane of concerns and returns.

For example, the mundane that come from the registers to customer service to argue over a twenty cent price difference.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Twenty. Cent. Price. Difference.

Customer: But, excuse me, the price tag said that these pretzels were on sale for $2.59.  They rang up at $2.79.

TSFR: [glances back at the ever-increasing holiday lines at customer service and slowly looks back at the customer] You’re sure?

Customer: Absolutely. I wouldn’t have bought them for the $2.79.

ARE YOU FOR SERS RIGHT NOW?!

Call me crazy, but if you wanted pretzels so badly at the $2.59, what the frick would twenty cents do to change your mind?  I mean, honestly, I will give you a quarter out of my pocket to leave my counter and continue on in your life with your $2.79 pretzels.  I understand that with the poor economy that every bit helps, but twenty cents?

Twenty cents.

You can’t even buy a gumball with twenty cent ‘savings.’

Next from the mundanes are the people who return small items like gum or pens.  And for some reason, these are always some of the most difficult people.  They always seem to get mad at the fact that they have to wait in line to return their $1.50 pens.  Well my mundane friends, the customer service desk is a first come first serve policy, and it isn’t my fault that you deemed a trip to the store necessary to return pens.  I mean, forget the fact that you spent way more than $1.50 to get to the store to return an item that you will actually need in the future, but you’re right, I should let you cut.

People also always assume that they spend more money on their pens than they actually did.  And then even if I have the receipt in front of me, they try and fight me on it.

Customer: No. No way. I spent much more than $1.50 on these pens.

TSFR: Well, your receipt shows right here that they were, in fact, $1.50.

Customer: But it isn’t possible.

TSFR: Bic pens, $1.50.

Customer: I’m telling you, they were more expensive.

TSFR: Well, I’m not sure what pens you’re talking about, but these are $1.50.

Customer: [scoffs] Well then, for $1.50, it just isn’t worth it.

…WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING?!

The last subgroup of the mundane are the people who want to return items that they bought for $3 on clearance with an expired receipt.

Note to everyone ever: receipts expire.  Most stores only allow a certain amount of days for returns: 30, 60, 90, etc.  It is rare, in fact, that stores will take back merchandise that you bought years ago.  I respect the fact that you keep the receipts – that’s admirable; nay, amazing – but I can’t return Christmas lights that you bought three years ago.  I applaud the fact that you still have a receipt for the lights, and if it was in my power, I would give you some sort of coupon…but it’s not and I can’t.

But then there are the people who want to return a skirt that they bought on clearance in June.  Now, for trying to return it in December, this is past our return policy – heck, this is past most return policies.

I calmly explain that her receipt is expired and I cannot process the return.  They, of course, ask for store credit.  I again explain that I cannot process the return because not only is the receipt expired, but we do not carry the item in our store anymore, so I can’t even give her store credit.

It’s at this point that they get mad and ask to see my manager.  This is fine by me, because then I don’t have to worry about dealing with them anymore.  So they yell, beg, plead, and command my manager to make an exception and do an override.

We don’t have overrides.

Honestly, if you don’t want the skirt anymore, and you’ve clearly overshot the return deadline, donate it.  It was three dollars.  You can write it off as a donation when you file your taxes.

Problem solved.

And the last of three RU4SRNs are the delusional.  These are the people that besides thinking that every store has the same policy of ‘if I don’t like it I can take it back whenever I want,’ get extremely irate when stores won’t perform to their mindset.

For example, one of my friends had a man come to the customer service counter, plop down a perfectly good microwave, and ask to return it.

Now, this microwave was clearly used a lot, so she asked if there was something wrong with it.

Customer: Yes. There is something extremely wrong with it.

Friend: And that would be?

Customer: Well, see, I put in my mug inside to heat up some water.

Friend: [nods and expects to hear something like, ‘and it never got hot’ or ‘the tray inside shattered’]

Customer: And when it finished heating up, I opened the door, and the handle of my mug wasn’t in the same place it started.

Friend: …

Customer: This is unacceptable.  I can’t have my mug’s handle facing the back to I have to climb into the microwave and turn it myself.

Friend: …

If there was ever a time for “Are you for sers right now?” it would be that time.  I’m honestly glad that I didn’t witness this event, because I don’t think I would’ve been able to keep a straight face.

Another group is the people that come in with $300 worth of merchandise and no receipts and expect to be able to 1. return it all and 2. get cash back.

I think you can figure out the problem there yourself.

So as you return your gifts today and the next couple of weeks, be kind to your customer service employees.  We want to help you return your stuff, we do, so just give us a hand and make sure that you have a receipt and that you unpack your bag.